The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish"-

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

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La Commission européenne a finalement tranché : après la monnaie unique, l'Union europeenne va se doter d'une langue unique, à savoir...le francais.
Trois langues étaient en compétition :
- le français (parlé par le plus grand nombre de pays de l'Union)
- l'allemand (parlé par le plus grand nombre d'habitants de l'Union)
- l'anglais (langue internationale par excellence).
L'anglais a vite été éliminé, pour deux raisons : l'anglais aurait été le cheval de Troie économique des Etats-unis; et les Britanniques ont vu leur influence limitée au profit du couple franco-allemand en raison de leur légendaire réticence a s'impliquer dans la construction européenne.
Le choix a fait l'objet d'un compromis, les Allemands ayant obtenu que l'orthographe du francais, particulièrement délicate à maitriser, soit réformée, dans le cadre d'un plan de cinq ans, afin d'aboutir a l'eurofrançais.
1. La première année, tous les accents seront supprimés et les sons actuellement distribués entre " s ", " z ", " c ", " k " et " q " seront répartis entre " z " et " k ", ze ki permettra de zupprimer beaukoup de la konfuzion aktuelle.
2. La deuzieme annee,on remplazera le " ph " par " f ", ze ki aura pour effet de rakourzir un mot komme " fotograf " de kelke vingt pour zent.
3. La troizieme annee, des modifikations plus draztikes zeront pozzibles, notamment ne plus redoubler les lettres ki  l'etaient : touz ont auzi admis le prinzip de la zuprezion des " e " muets, zourz eternel de konfuzion, en efet, tou kom d'autr letr muet.
4. La katriem ane, les gens zeront devenu rezeptif a de changements majeurs, tel ke remplazer " g " zoi par " ch ", zoi par " j ", zoi par "k", zelon les ka, ze ki zimplifira davantach l'ekritur de touz.
5. Duran la zinkiem ane, le " b " zera remplaze par le " p " et le "v" zera lui auzi apandone, au profi du " f ". Efidamen, on kagnera ainzi pluzieur touch zu le klafie. Un foi ze plan de zink an achefe, l'ortokraf zera defenu lochik, et le chen pouron ze komprendr et komunike. Le ref de l'Unite kulturel de l'Europ zera defenu realite !

Bon Kourach !!!

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Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a  play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.